Hospital Authority Announces New Baggage Policy

Rocket City Hospital Authority

Announces New Baggage Policy

       The Rocket City Hospital Authority has announced that effective September 1 it is putting in place a baggage fee policy for travelers on its now iconic Hospital Shuttle Train shown here traveling to one of its four terminals. Thomas “Tom” Thomas, Authority spokesperson, says that travelers should expect to pay a $25. per bag fee “to bring our customers’ travel plans in line with what they can expect at the airport.”

The Hospital Shuttle has not been without controversy since it was disclosed that the little train had to run back and forth without passengers for one calendar year in order to meet the requirements of the hospital complex’s insurers. “We didn’t want anyone crushed under the wheels or carried crashing down onto Governor’s Drive if the bugger didn’t work,” said Mr. Thomas, adding that such a mishap would be less than optimal at a hospital facility.

The year-long trial without passengers drew some tart remarks from some staff and patients, who for example called the shuttle “The Little Train that Might” or “Mystery Train of the Dead,” but most were at least inclined to find the little vehicle amusing. During the last election cycle, one wag suggested the train should be named the “Dr. Parker Griffith Shuffle,” because “you get on it thinking you are going one way but then it goes the other way and in the end it is just terminal.”

The train, or infelicitously named “people mover,” was produced by the Otis Elevator company, a fact which Mr. Thomas wants to underscore, since patients and visitors to the hospital “should find confidence in Otis and in knowing their shuttle is a kind of elevator that goes sideways.” And it has, he added, provision for “Local” and “Express” speeds, the latter useful for staff in pursuit of patients with unusual reactions to anesthesia or less than desirable lab reports. The train also has a caboose with tastefully consistent colors that is hooked up once a day for the coroner’s run.

Mr. Thomas wished to press upon our readers that the baggage fee system is flexible. “Children’s bags will be free if the children are riding on their parents’ laps, and terminal patients can arrange for next of kin to pick up their bags in a timely way. Bags left at the terminal terminal will be available for repurchase in Scottsboro.”

This is technology. It saves us from being run over at the hospital.