Kiss a Physicist Delayed

Notice: “Kiss a Physicist Today” Rescheduled

            The celebratory “Kiss a Physicist Today” scheduled by Rocket City Blues for Saturday, July 8 has been deferred. The day seems to have passed unnoticed, and, due to a somewhat tepid response and a bit of confusion, the event will be rescheduled as

Kiss a Physicist If You Want

Maybe Around 4:30 on a Friday Sometime

Next Month

Watch for confirmation and guidance in these pages. We don’t want any conflict with

Hang a Banker Day

 which is a matter of somewhat more pressing urgency and is coming up real soon. Besides, we are getting complaints along the lines that Rocket City Blues should “get off this physics, I didn’t take it” and “more fizz and less physics, more fizz and less physics” and so on.  

Higgs Boson and the Standard Model

Physics Update: Higgs Boson and 1970s Standard Model Getting It On

            The science staff at Rocket City Blues tell us they are delighted to report that the Higgs Boson particle, recently outed as a dude, is dating the 1970s Standard Model shown above. But as for me, I’m not so keen on this development.

For a time, high energy particle physicists were concerned that the Higgs Boson might not show up, leaving The Standard Model a little unsure of herself, although why, I can’t tell you. But everybody--at Fermilab, CERN, the UARocket City ED Non-Collider, all the places--has sighed with relief that the couple have hooked up.

For those who were born, say, after 1985, and who therefore don’t recognize the Standard Model, Wikipedia will as always straighten us out. We quote verbatim:

The Standard Model of particle physics is a theory concerning the electromagnetic, weak, and strong nuclear interactions, which mediate the dynamics of the known subatomic particles. Developed throughout the mid to late 20th century, The Standard Model is truly “a tapestry woven by many hands” because it was cobbled together by many brilliant minds, sometimes driven forward by new experimental discoveries, sometimes by theoretical advances. It was a collaborative effort in the largest sense, spanning continents and decades^[1]. The current formulation was finalized in the mid 1970s upon experimental confirmation of the existence of quarks. Since then, discoveries of the bottom quark (1977), the top quark (1995), and the tau neutrino (2000) have given further credence to the Standard Model. Because of its success in explaining a wide variety of experimental results, the Standard Model is sometimes regarded as a "theory of almost everything".

To this remarkably sweaty piece of prose, we at Rocket City Blues say, What is this? The Big Bang of Metaphor? The Wikipedia guy says The Standard Model is “a tapestry” made “by hands” and then that it’s  “cobbled together “by . . .  minds”, many of them, only to be “driven forward” sometimes by “advances”?  And then they sent her out to do some  “spanning [of] continents and decades”? She must be about 17 and maybe 115 pounds in this shot. And she’s certainly not dressed for travel.

Physicists should date a little earlier than in their 40s. Maybe start in high school. That would help.

You never tell a girl she is a theory. Tapestry maybe, you might get away with that if the mood is right, but you do theory, you’re history.

Rocket City Blues sympathizes with these many brilliant minds working up a sweat and offering more credence to the Standard Model. But for me she has all my credence right away. And then some. So let’s cut the crap about “the top quarks” and the “lower quark.” This is not science. This is self-evident. And you never tell a girl that she is “finalized”, even if your grant is running out.  And you never tell her she is “almost everything”. She is totally everything to me and she always will be. That’s what you say.

I would quit collaborating with those many other guys.  I’d get out of the lab, pronto.

To hell with the Boson. Let him go back where he came from. And the same for Higgs the meddling old fart who introduced them in the first place.

What was I doing in the 70s, reading?

It is too late. It is always too late.

This is physics. This is why everything finally is sad.

WeAculpa

WeAculpa: Corrections and Apologies

            Rocket City Blues has been hit with surprisingly heated, even enraged, and possibly threatening requests for apologies, corrections, and retractions following July 11’s post, The House of Representatives To Do Self-Examination. It’s no excuse but maybe an explanation to say that two of our staff are adjusting their meds, which might account for some problems of punctuation, spelling, misquoting, and managing tone. But more important, we think that

some of you people need to calm down. Just calm down, would you?

CALM.THE.FUCK.DOWN!

O.K. now. We are doing our best. And everything is not our fault.  We will take this pile of stuff one by one. Just please stay calm.

(1) The staff of Rep. Spender Bowcuss writes that the speech we referred to in our last post was not in fact about federal subsidies for kudzu but rather for okra. We apologize. Also, the congressman’s staff point out that it is “not very nice to make fun of peoples (sic) names since they din’t (sic) have no (sic) choice in the matter when they were just bornt “(sic). We agree. Rep. Buttkiss is probably a very nice man, and, as we know, there is always a little Baccus in each of us, though not so much Spenser unless you are an English major. Lots of people in our region, especially politicians, are named for the eminent writers and literary characters of the past. There’s Homer Barron. There’s Artur (sic) Davis. There’s Byron Scrugg. And Shakespeare Shitstake, of the famous Opalika Shitstakes. Respect.

(2) The staff of Sen. Dick Shelby seemed to be irked about a point of feasibility, claiming that “a snorkel can’t be used that way.” We disagree.

(3) One reader up in Tony, Alabama and seventeen in Cullman claim that the illustrative image at the fore of the feature proves that we are “big city Leftists because the funger (sic) is pointing to the Left.” Well, in respect to the finger, we had something else in mind.

Several complaints addressed the “DISCLAIMERS” section of the feature, to which we may say that sequence is almost entirely corporate boilerplate for which we bear no responsibility whatsoever. To be sure, there might be something objectionable in the line, “Maybe your health care provider is a dick,” so we’ll address that and another thing that is not our fault.

(1)         The line at hand or rather, more specifically, the term in hand could be in some sense read as sexist, since your doctor could be a girl doctor. In fact, my doctor is a girl doctor, and she is terrific, a saint. And probably the vast majority of primary care health providers are women, since the boy doctors are all going for the big bucks in heart surgery and oncology where the dying people are old and have some money. Probably too most of us would not be calling a girl health care provider or for that matter any female professional a dick. Maybe Ayn Rand, or Margaret Thatcher, or Leni Riefenstahl, but mostly no.

Well, back to the point. After a little reflection our readers may be sympathetic with our editorial practice as regards the somewhat bad word at hand. In our opinion, the “bad” in the semi bad word is contextual. After all, Dick Clark? No problem. Dick and Jane? Everybody there is terrific, and Puff too. Dick Cavett? Smart though maybe Smartypants. Spotted Dick, the canned English comfort food? Pretty funny, but they are British and they like it.  Moby Dick? A very big, big one.  And finally we come to Dick Cheney.  Certainly not as big as Moby Dick. In fact, kind of withered and crooked.  After he flunked out of Yale in his first semester and putzed around in Wyoming for a while, Dick Cheney slipped into Washington and served another Dick, Dick Nixon, famous for saying right on TV “I am not a Dick.”  Having learned the practice in the highest places, so to speak, Dick Cheney went on again, this time to slip into the Halliburton company, famously engaged in global dickery, including a certain fail-safe device on an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico.

But to return to my point again, if some of our readers want us to be entirely non-sexist in our remark about your health care provider possibly being a dick, we would have to use for balance with “a dick” the other word, the bad word. Which is perplexing, in a way, since referring to someone as a “dick” will generally not get you thrown out or even mildly disliked. In fact, people will usually think it’s funny. But the other word is bad. Now, in Britain, especially in Scotland, if you are in a pub and there are a bunch of guys getting hammered after a soccer game, you will be sure to hear at least one of them call another that bad word. But they don’t always seem contemptuous or mean when they use the bad word, and if they are not already good-naturedly punching the daylights out of each other, they seem to like being called that. The bad word. We at Rocket City Blues are uneasy with the bad word, but we have nothing at all against its signified. In fact Mother Nature made us very happy with that, the signified and the referent and the whatever. It’s all good. Think about it. We do a lot. However, we’re not using the word. No way.

(2)         Finally, as also regards the Disclaimers section of the last post, several readers complain that if you are dead, you cannot telephone a law firm, and that is true.

This is language. This is how everything works.

US House to Do Exams

US House of Representatives to Do

 Self-Examination

            The US House of Representatives—for our European readers, formerly an organ of governance but of late  performance art for rednecks, simpletons and venial bastards of every variety imaginable—has voted with a modest majority to perform medical examinations upon each other. House Ethics Committee Chairman Daryl Issa (R CA), a former car thief, announced today that on the coming August 1 “We’ll just pair up on the House floor and perform prostate exams on each other. This will prove that Obama’s Big Government takeover of doctoring is  socialist and too expensive. Americans just want to take care of themselves.”

            Rocket City Blues has learned, through its contacts in DC, that what Paul Ryan (R Wi), 15-year-old prodigy and chairman of the House Budget Committee, has tagged the “you do me, I do you” program in fact erupted somewhat spontaneously in the House several months ago but was deferred when more than adequate supplies of lubricant were mustered but only a few pairs of sketchy looking latex gloves. Dismayed but never discouraged, Rocket City’s own Rep. Mo Brooks (R Al), gamely stepped forward to say, “We don’t need gloves. I’ve done it. Saves even more”, but the remark elicited only scattered applause.

            In fact, some in the House were vocal in their opposition to the performance of mutual prostate examinations, perhaps in part because the House activities are all televised, even when somebody like Rep. Spencer Bachus (R Al, and seriously, that is his name) is holding forth in support of kudzu subsidies at 1.15 am to  nobody but an audio tech who has fallen asleep. Democrats in particular were heard to complain that they have been “bending over too much already,” which may possibly have been intended as a joke, and even a few Republicans objected, pointing out that “everybody in Congress gets really good coverage, even dental.”

            There are always spoilsports, even in Congress, and Senator Al Franken (D Mn), rudely stated that advice on technique “might be had in the Senate. Dick Shelby (R Al) has had his head up the ass of the insurance and bank  lobby so long he wears a snorkel.” Order was only partly restored by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who pointed out that “there are ladies present,” a remark that caused a measure of confusion.

Disclaimers. Prostate cancer is a medical problem that should be taken seriously. Self examination or mutual examination is not recommended. See your doctor. The actions described here performed by professional drivers on a closed circuit. Do not try at home or without adult supervision. May cause certain side effects. Unplug all appliances before taking this medication. Consult your doctor if you have any of the following symptoms. Do not drive or operate heavy machinery if you get hammered on this medication. Not approved for use by children or nursing mothers. Do not attempt if you are pregnant, HIV positive, or have an immune deficiency disorder. Not for resale. If prosthesis cracks, shatters, or impales you in the groin, seek immediate medical assistance at the nearest VA hospital, although not the ones that are closed. The other one. Dispose of unused capsules safely by wrapping them in a sealed plastic container and mailing them to your daughter who cannot afford them. Your health care professional may just be the only person who cares about you at all, but they know that you know that they know you are shit out of luck. May cause impotence and protracted weeping. Wash hands after use. If you or anyone in your family took this medication and are dead, call Boswick, Burns, and Bell LLP. Be sure to tell your partner. Discontinue use if suicidal thoughts persist. If suicidal thoughts persist, shoot yourself. No claim of superior legal services intended. Move to Canada. Not to be taken with other NCAIDS. If your head begins to explode, place an index finger in each ear and scream loudly. Help should come, although  next week. Remember: Only you can prevent forest fires. See your doctor if drooling worsens or you trip over your uterus. May cause projectile vomiting, wheezing, or sudden death. Make sure this is not anywhere in the record. In the event that you experience an erection lasting more than four hours, call Bristol Palin. Excluded coverage if injury results from act of God. If rash appears or breathing stops, consult your health care professional. You did what? It’s where? In the event of soreness, inflammation, funny walk, or pain level nine on a scale of one to ten, seek your orthopedic surgeon at gated community but you are not getting through the gate no way. May be addictive. May cause certain sexual side-effects, including hair tongue, extra nipples, and chemical castration. The Social Security Administration wishes to inform you that funeral and burial insurance coverage is $250. Since1936. Your health care professional may be a dick. Coverage limited or suspended if by acts of Congress. See your financial advisor soon. Brownsboro establishes 911 service. Sold only for the prevention of venereal disease but not so good for some of the new ones. See your doctor if you are dead or lightheadedness returns. 911 service by subscription only. Consult with your insurance company about extended coverage packages. Certain previous medical conditions may not be covered. Please use your keypad to enter your group number. Pfizer Pharmaceuticals not responsible for misuse, overuse, underuse, or use. Always wear a condom. Sorry. The identification numbers you have entered are in error. Ambulance or hearse fees not covered. Not intended to prevent pregnancy. See your family doctor, or, if your family doctor is working night shifts at the Emergency Room or at Starbucks, see your cousin who was a nurse or your uncle who was a medic in Korea and is not dead yet. Sorry, what was that response? . . . Sorry, what was that response? . . . Sorry, what was that response?

Sorry.

Von Braun Civic Center a Rocket!

For Sure. The Von Braun Civic Center is a Rocket

An Honors History student at the U of  Rocket City has uncovered a treasure until now hidden in the archives of Huntsville’s history, a trove of design sketches for the soon-to-be constructed Von Braun Civic Center. The file, once in the possession of the now defunct architectural firm Smyth, Tuckett, and Hairdryer, LLP, has in it the image reproduced above, which, astoundingly, proves that the Von Braun Civic center was intended all along to be a rocket. 

The student, checking out his find at the Army Missile Command, was initially told by Col. Quentin ‘Quickfire’ Johnson, “No way. It’s too fat. Too short.” But when our student pointed out the Civic Center cum Rocket is in fact “no fatter or shorter” than the missile represented in Rocket City’s former logo, Johnson hesitated. “Maybe, maybe not.”

            The Civic Center, beloved venue for dozens of gun swaps, childrens’ beauty pagents, and sales events for bass boats and obsolete computer parts, has long been thought to have unused capacities inherent in its design. “Where am I,” people were often heard to say. “Where’s the fucking restrooms?”

            Given the implications of the design sketch, the Civic Center’s board of directors have ordered that the facility will be shut down from July 13 through July 16 to check to see if there might be a warhead in the dome. That matter being settled, the ice in the main hall will be melted and the usual 461 tons of dirt will be brought in to prepare for this years’ Tractor Pull and Motocross Race scheduled for July 18.  The band Alabama will provide the music during the Pulls and Races.

            We are thrilled to know it’s just possible that a great many of us in Rocket City will soon do more than reach for the stars. We’ll be going up there. Or at least in that general direction.

Rocket City Airport Receives Award

Rocket City International Airport Receives Award

            The Association for Securing Tariff -Free Zones for Weapons Sales announces that Rocket City International Airport has received its First Prize Award for Most Lethal Ambience in a Public Space.

            The ASTFZWS’s award is granted to “the public space that consistently and colorfully presents commercial images directly or indirectly suggestive of the most mayhem, violence, and lethality that can be imagined per square yard.” The awards committee stipulates that the devices and instruments imaged should be “presented in such a way as to imply that they are (a) in some sense associated with the viewer whether in fact they know that or not, (b) that they are incapable of failure or misuse, (c) and that they are easily sold to just about anyone anywhere without tax or tariff or public review. “

            At the awards ceremony on K Street in Washington, D.C., General Samuel ‘Boomer’ Turgidson, USAF Ret and Chief Consultant for the ASTFZW, remarked the intense competition for the award, noting that a certain soccer field in Afghanistan, a disused warehouse in Belarus (part of the former Soviet Union), a two-block area in front of the Wailing Wall in Israel, and an international airport in Yemen had been very close contenders for the award. But General Turgidson, recalling to the amusement of all present the “Iran-Contra matter” as what won the distinction of “International” for “Rocket City Airport,” went on to explain that the mega-TV playing Fox News 24/7 for every waiting flier, the montage of Nazi weapons engineers, and the almost total absence of non-violent imagery-- except for a spaceman hanging by a cable over the restrooms and two pictures of golf courses -- were the decisive factors that brought the prize to Rocket City.  “Walk in and you’ll think you’d already made your flight and maybe something has happened and you’re at an airport in Syria or Saudi Arabia. Walk out and maybe you’ll think, “No way I’m ever going back in there. No way,’” he quipped.

            Never without accolades, Rocket City is internationally known as a recession-proof haven for economic vitality. Among recent awards the city has received is the prize for the North Parkway Improvement Plan, hailed as the Most Protracted Infrastructure Project in North America since the Erie Canal, the Engineering Watch Award won not in fact by engineers, who have better things to do in Rocket City, but by two city policemen who noticed that the newly completed Rocket City jail was about to pitch over and fall into the creek bed on which it was built, and the Murdoch Prize for the metropolitan area with population over 300,000 slowest to notice it no longer has a daily newspaper.

Miller Analogy Restored

W mounts his pony by standing on British Prime Minister

Correction: The Miller Analogy Restored

            The Rocket City Blues Department of Science and Technology Reportage has received a somewhat testy objection to July 2’s column on this blog,  “Higgs Boson Particle is Justin Bieber,“ where we reported that as per Professor Miller’s theory—or “The Miller Analogy”--the Higgs Boson Particle could be understood as Justin Bieber at a cocktail party getting moshed by groupies who appear to gather mass but we don’t know for sure because we were not invited.  Our correspondent acknowledged that he had, with “the best intentions,” sort of “sexed up” the Miller Analogy by substituting Justin Bieber--in fact born too late to be at the cocktail party--for “the former Prime Minister” of Great Britain, who is claimed to have been in Professor Miller’s original version.  While confessing the liberty he took with Professor Miller, the writer adds a claim for the “essential legitimacy” of his amended “Miller Analogy” for how the Higgs Boson Field works.

            At Rocket City Blues we are almost unanimous in our conviction that truth in science reporting is worth considering, and so we replace the sexed-up and errant “Miller Analogy,” pretty good but maybe “Miller Light,” with a restored Standard Model Miller Analogy:

Imagine you are on a balcony looking down at a cocktail party and you see an  amiable upper-class English twit following right behind  George W. Bush, the former American president who walks this way and that through the cocktail party, swinging his arms in an exaggerated fashion and spreading his hands out so he will look like a big man. Now, after you see how closely the amiable twit follows as W wanders about trying to find where he is supposed to be, follows W so closely you think his knees might be glued to W’s ass, you realize suddenly that this follower of W is not as you first thought, a gluon, a subatomic massless particle, but rather Tony Blair, the former Prime Minister of Britain. And so, remembering that appearances are not quite enough in physics, you shift your paradigm, so to speak, and you see that what you took to be gluon is in fact Tony Blair and also the Higgs Boson particle at the same time, admittedly for reasons that are not quite apparent to anyone except perhaps Professor Miller.

In any case, suddenly Tony Blair the Bosun seizes W by the shoulders and tries to steer him toward the banquet table where massness is being served up. But W is massless, so, like a pingpong ball and a microsopic speck of dust on a ping pong table with something sticky on it, Tony Blair and W are simply stuck together and glued in place. But then there is a sudden commotion. A flash. A kaboom. And a country in the Middle East, not the one that was already smacked but another we were not quite expecting, is blown to fucking smithereens. Totally.  Up on the balcony, you say to yourself, “Did I just see that, or what?”

This is physics. This is how everything works.