US House to Do Exams

US House of Representatives to Do

 Self-Examination

            The US House of Representatives—for our European readers, formerly an organ of governance but of late  performance art for rednecks, simpletons and venial bastards of every variety imaginable—has voted with a modest majority to perform medical examinations upon each other. House Ethics Committee Chairman Daryl Issa (R CA), a former car thief, announced today that on the coming August 1 “We’ll just pair up on the House floor and perform prostate exams on each other. This will prove that Obama’s Big Government takeover of doctoring is  socialist and too expensive. Americans just want to take care of themselves.”

            Rocket City Blues has learned, through its contacts in DC, that what Paul Ryan (R Wi), 15-year-old prodigy and chairman of the House Budget Committee, has tagged the “you do me, I do you” program in fact erupted somewhat spontaneously in the House several months ago but was deferred when more than adequate supplies of lubricant were mustered but only a few pairs of sketchy looking latex gloves. Dismayed but never discouraged, Rocket City’s own Rep. Mo Brooks (R Al), gamely stepped forward to say, “We don’t need gloves. I’ve done it. Saves even more”, but the remark elicited only scattered applause.

            In fact, some in the House were vocal in their opposition to the performance of mutual prostate examinations, perhaps in part because the House activities are all televised, even when somebody like Rep. Spencer Bachus (R Al, and seriously, that is his name) is holding forth in support of kudzu subsidies at 1.15 am to  nobody but an audio tech who has fallen asleep. Democrats in particular were heard to complain that they have been “bending over too much already,” which may possibly have been intended as a joke, and even a few Republicans objected, pointing out that “everybody in Congress gets really good coverage, even dental.”

            There are always spoilsports, even in Congress, and Senator Al Franken (D Mn), rudely stated that advice on technique “might be had in the Senate. Dick Shelby (R Al) has had his head up the ass of the insurance and bank  lobby so long he wears a snorkel.” Order was only partly restored by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who pointed out that “there are ladies present,” a remark that caused a measure of confusion.

Disclaimers. Prostate cancer is a medical problem that should be taken seriously. Self examination or mutual examination is not recommended. See your doctor. The actions described here performed by professional drivers on a closed circuit. Do not try at home or without adult supervision. May cause certain side effects. Unplug all appliances before taking this medication. Consult your doctor if you have any of the following symptoms. Do not drive or operate heavy machinery if you get hammered on this medication. Not approved for use by children or nursing mothers. Do not attempt if you are pregnant, HIV positive, or have an immune deficiency disorder. Not for resale. If prosthesis cracks, shatters, or impales you in the groin, seek immediate medical assistance at the nearest VA hospital, although not the ones that are closed. The other one. Dispose of unused capsules safely by wrapping them in a sealed plastic container and mailing them to your daughter who cannot afford them. Your health care professional may just be the only person who cares about you at all, but they know that you know that they know you are shit out of luck. May cause impotence and protracted weeping. Wash hands after use. If you or anyone in your family took this medication and are dead, call Boswick, Burns, and Bell LLP. Be sure to tell your partner. Discontinue use if suicidal thoughts persist. If suicidal thoughts persist, shoot yourself. No claim of superior legal services intended. Move to Canada. Not to be taken with other NCAIDS. If your head begins to explode, place an index finger in each ear and scream loudly. Help should come, although  next week. Remember: Only you can prevent forest fires. See your doctor if drooling worsens or you trip over your uterus. May cause projectile vomiting, wheezing, or sudden death. Make sure this is not anywhere in the record. In the event that you experience an erection lasting more than four hours, call Bristol Palin. Excluded coverage if injury results from act of God. If rash appears or breathing stops, consult your health care professional. You did what? It’s where? In the event of soreness, inflammation, funny walk, or pain level nine on a scale of one to ten, seek your orthopedic surgeon at gated community but you are not getting through the gate no way. May be addictive. May cause certain sexual side-effects, including hair tongue, extra nipples, and chemical castration. The Social Security Administration wishes to inform you that funeral and burial insurance coverage is $250. Since1936. Your health care professional may be a dick. Coverage limited or suspended if by acts of Congress. See your financial advisor soon. Brownsboro establishes 911 service. Sold only for the prevention of venereal disease but not so good for some of the new ones. See your doctor if you are dead or lightheadedness returns. 911 service by subscription only. Consult with your insurance company about extended coverage packages. Certain previous medical conditions may not be covered. Please use your keypad to enter your group number. Pfizer Pharmaceuticals not responsible for misuse, overuse, underuse, or use. Always wear a condom. Sorry. The identification numbers you have entered are in error. Ambulance or hearse fees not covered. Not intended to prevent pregnancy. See your family doctor, or, if your family doctor is working night shifts at the Emergency Room or at Starbucks, see your cousin who was a nurse or your uncle who was a medic in Korea and is not dead yet. Sorry, what was that response? . . . Sorry, what was that response? . . . Sorry, what was that response?

Sorry.