Higgs Boson Lost

Flash. For Immediate release:

Higgs Boson Particle “Now Totally Lost “Beneath Metaphorical Language of Physicists Attempting to Speak to Normals

            BBC news reports that Sir Bendix Sprott of Worthingham College, Cambridge, has formally announced this afternoon that the much sought Higgs Boson Particle was recently found but is now “totally and irrevocably lost” beneath a “shite-load of metaphors” that has burst forth this month from the world’s high energy physicists.

            Known since Newton for their determination to be the only academics who communicate with sufficient caution, clarity and meticulous care to avoid entirely what Professor Sprott referred to as “untruth and twoddle,” this scientific community has surprised intellectuals everywhere by abandoning sense for extravagant and surprisingly stupid metaphor.

            Professor Noam Chomsky, noted linguist and scientist, commenting today on what has immediately been termed the “Sprott Effect,” said in an interview on the PBS science program, “Pop Smarts,” that “it all started with the fucking ‘boson’. I mean, just a moronic figure of speech from the start, complete with his bellbottoms, his stupid little sailor hat, and his fucking whistle.  Why, “ Professor Chomsky added, “why can’t we fucking  say what we fucking mean? It’s not a fucking play or a fucking movie, after all, it’s the fucking universe. What did the fucking little boson do, whistle up the whole fucking universe with his fucking little whistle? Why not the fucking Higgs Irish cop? Why not the fucking Higgs crossing guard?”

            Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the International Association of Physicists, speaking on condition of anonymity, has cautioned that the so-called “Sprott Effect” might be “a tempest in a tea pot, so to say,” and that “we should all be cautious and reserved as the boson steps forth on deck, “ lest he “change his mind, as he is wont to do, and sails away upon seas we have as yet not even imagined, let alone mapped, seas with tides, to be sure, even though we haven’t seen them, and maybe won’t ever see them, since we don’t have the maps—at least not yet—so we don’t know which way to sail, or, for that matter, whether we have a sail, or maybe we just think we do because, well, it’s standard, right?”        

           Still, some high energy physicists have not been so constrained, including one Oxford-based CERN investigator who has written that the cosmos in the soon-to-be revealed new, new  Standard Theory (or in brief the “New-New”) will “in effect” be “a ubiquitous Higgs snowfield that affects other particles traveling through it depending on whether they are wearing, metaphorically speaking, skis, snowshoes or just shoes.”  And John Ellis, professor of theoretical physics at King’s College London and guest professor at CERN, has confidently remarked, “Higgs has no place to hide.” Asked whether he was referring to Professor Higgs, who first invited his colleagues to imagine a “particle that would tells us why there is less nothing than something or the little “boson” himself, Professor Ellis simply appeared dumbfounded by the question, only muttering again, “Higgs has nowhere to hide.”

            To be sure, Professor John Guinon, a longtime physics professor at the University of California at Davis and author of “The Higgs Hunter’s Guide,” said on Tuesday somewhat more helpfully, “If the calculations are indeed correct—and we are, thousands of us, picking over the heap with care—then it is fair to say that in some sense we have reached the mountaintop.” Asked after his address at a symposium in Davis whether he meant to say that Higgs was, as Professor Ellis had said, “hiding”, perhaps “on the mountaintop,” perhaps himself in snowshoes or in the flipflops he customarily wears, in some sense, Professor Guinon also appeared to be momentarily confused. Some suggested that there was a touch of panic in Guinon’s eyes, as though, perhaps, he was expecting a follow-up question as to why, if Higgs was hiding on the mountaintop all along, the hunters had not simply gone up there and found him.  But symposium moderator Gregorio Bernardi of the University of Paris and researcher at Fermilab, defused an uncomfortable moment by interjecting that there are “strong indications of the production and decay of Higgs bosoms” [sic] and that “It’s a real cliffhanger”, thus appearing to support Guinon’s suggestion that Higgs, or the bosons perhaps, were indeed hiding, or fruitlessly trying to hide, from the hunters on the mountain, but were not so much on the top as hanging over a cliff near the top.

            This morning a measure of clarity was finally achieved when a spokesman for high energy physicists released on condition of anonymity the claim that “a sort of cosmic molasses pervading space is what gives particles their heft. Particles trying to wade through it gather mass the way a bill moving through congress gains riders and amendments, becoming more and more ponderous.” To be sure, a journalist was heard to say following the release of this sentence (or more precisely this sentence and a dependent fragmentary clause) that it “had all the heft and ponderousness of a steaming bison turd” and that anyone who wrote it should have been “tossed out of the ninth grade on his ass. “ But the total absence of comment from the scientific community suggests a basic satisfaction with the molasses, so to speak.

Finally, as global science quivers with anticipation like a bowl of chocolate pudding when it has not quite firmed up and you are trying to jam it into the second shelf of the refrigerator but it does not quite fit and you are thinking, fuck all, maybe I should eat it now but you are not sure, we do well to remember the words of Sir Arnold Giblet, author of the standard biography of Sir Isaac Newton, the great English father of physics: “Right, so, the apple hit him in the head. Right? That’s just bullshit. They made it up to make it clear. It’s bullshit. Never happened.”